It doesn't matter if others don't understand what you are trying to say. Not everything has to be black and white. Only the writer needs to fully comprehend what is being written. Even so, some writers are unable to make sense of what they have just penned down. Ultimately, readers have the freedom to interpret it, however way they want to. That is how magnificent words can be. One word can mean different things to different people at a different point in time.
As I typed that sentence, an avalanche of guilt just sits heavily on my chest.
"When you sin big time against God, then you'll be cursed", she said.
Am I really cursed for life? I'm human, I make mistakes, I wish I could be perfect all the time but I can't. I wish I never made the grave mistakes I did but I can't turn back time to right my wrongs nor can I erase them. They are a part of me now, a part of who I am, for as long as I roam the face of this earth. They are what made me and as much as I'm ashamed of them, I've learnt. I've learnt that guys are jerks, people come and go. No one stays for you, everyone leaves for themselves. I've learnt that people can be so selfish no matter how selfless you are. I've learnt that some only take without giving, even though they seem to be giving but they aren't. They are selfish people, they are hoarders, they are keepers. They refuse to give because they don't see the beauty in giving at all. Selfish acts breeds selfish people. I used to be one in a million. Now, I've become one of the milllions.
Maybe if I did without religion, I wouldn't be feeling so vexed. I wouldn't be feeling so confused. I wouldn't wake up guilt-ridden everyday trying my best to do whatever to get back to wherever I was. Let's face it. I'll never be the same person before, I'll never return to where I was. Every second in life, something is changing, you're never in the same place in your mind as you were a second before. Is there no light for me at the end of the tunnel? Am I beyond repair, beyond saving? One minute I'm told, "There's always a way back no matter how far you are". The next I'm told, "Your sins are grievous, you are cursed". Then I'm told, "I am loved".
And if I did without religion, I wouldn't have to worry about every move I make around people. I wouldn't have to bother whose hand I held or did not hold. I could go out with anyone without having to worry about the consequences. Yet, that is the very part that destroys everything - doing things without worrying about consequences. I'm tired of being responsible, let me be irresponsible for a few days. But wait, what happened the last time I threw away all inhibitions and responsibilities? Disaster.
I've seen so many come and go to know that you're not going to be around for long as well. Everyone should just stay away from me and spare both of us the pain of losing another. Ever since things took a turn for the worst, I should've known that nothing good would ever stay, ever again. It just makes me want to cry knowing that I'm not going to have your wonderful company for long.
To quote a wonderful, beautiful, creative, fantastic, magical friend, "Who am I? What am I? I am nothing."
"I know you left me long ago but I've been longing since you left/ to fill this empty space that you created on this lonely bed/ And I swear you rule my mind, but how I wish you never left/
and now I miss you all the time, and I just eat myself to death"
"You were mine, you were mine, you were mine, you were mine, you were mine, you were mine, y o u w e r e m i n e"
3 words that started as a little whisper in my head, grew into a chant and ended as loud as the volume of the music I listen to. Which is pretty loud if I must say. But oh well........
Today, 20th February 2013, is the last day I'll be known as a freshie in Poly. My first year of Poly has finally ended yet it feels like I've just stepped into school for a week or so. Is time passing too fast or are we just getting too busy to bother about time?
This time, I really felt the pure joy of finishing my exams because I had actually put some form of minimal effort into studying and making sure I'm going into the exam hall prepared, or at least half prepared. I'm super thankful to God for bringing me through this exam period. I definitely couldn't have done it by my own strength because I'm a lazy bum.
A, L and I pre-planned to head to Swee Choon for some celebratory dim sum aka stuffing ourselves into food comas after our paper today but alas, we found out that Swee Choon closes on Tuesdays and it sucks because I was really craving for some dim sum. We ended up in town, no surprise there, and just had some simple wanton mee. I've clean forgotten how nice it is to just spend them with them and have some girl talk. It was a really good day until we were all ready to head home when I realised I've lost my phone.
Activate panic button
I tried to call my phone but it was unavailable and I knew someone must've taken it and switched it off. I started recollecting where I last saw my phone and realised I had left it at a dessert place we were last at. I decided to go look for it either way, even though it might not be there anymore. We brisked walk there only to be greeted by absolutely unhelpful employees/manager and a PPO faced woman who was at the seat we sat at previously. I tried to search around but I couldn't find anything. I just felt so helpless then so I went to a seat nearby and just sat there absolutely at loss. I called my mom to tell her what happened and I just started bawling out of no where. Yeah, I'm great at bawling when I don't know what else to do. I decided that I've lost my phone for good so I took a cab home because I was really in no mood to be taking a bus ride home with all these inconsiderate and annoying Singaporeans. I was really sad and mad at that point in time. I don't understand why someone would take another's phone. I mean like, it's a personal belonging, it has memories and sentimental value along with it, why would you selfishly rob someone else of it? If you want to sell the phone for money, I'd gladly give you cash in exchange for my phone back.
When I got home I was just so out of it, I took a tub of ice cream and watched some shows to distract myself. My mom came in to cheer me up and gave me some caneles she brought back from somewhere. Then she suddenly suggested that we go back to the dessert place again and ask about my phone again. It didn't make sense for a phone to disappear in a span of an hour when that place is mostly deserted. I was just praying as hard as I could, probably harder than I've ever prayed in recent times. I could sense God telling me to let the anger and hate go, and I was like, "Ok, I'll let it go, God bless the guy that's got my phone he has a new iPhone 5 yay love him instead show love show love no hate no hate".
When we got there, the manager suddenly said he had found the phone and promptly returned it to me. I know this is definitely a little miracle. I'm so thankful to have gotten my phone back and to have God show me that I should show more love to people even though I had instinctively cursed at first.
In other news, the holidays are here and this time I've concrete plans unlike other holidays. For starters, I'm flying to the States again to find my best friend because I miss her so much and I seriously need some best friend time again. That led to me finding a job at Pepperoni's because I would need some money for the trip. So that would've already taken a bulk of my holidays. I've also got a school camp this coming Sunday, which honestly, I'm not really looking forward to but we'll see how it goes. But to kickstart everything, I'm heading to the railway tracks with F tomorrow followed by Salted Caramel which I've been dying to try. I hope it's sunny tomorrow (also because I want a tan, swim and read by the pool) and that it'll be a nice time. I hope.
Bitter would entirely encapsulate everything that has happened in 2012. I'd just be one of those pathetic losers who want nothing but sympathy if I were to say that nothing good has happened in the year. Sure, I've met two wonderful girlfriends, I've kept two other amazing friends (although one moved overseas) even though we're all busy in our own ways, I've got to travel three times this year to wonderful places, picking up experiences along the way that brought along memories that I now hold so close to my heart. I've had good times but the bad times have thoroughly obliterated any fragment of sporadic joy that I had encountered. I was apprehended by pain, anger, sadness, confusion and darkness. I was so lost in a jungle crawling with predatory carnivores biding for any chance to swallow you whole. I was chewed up and spit out many times over, never learning my lesson. Each time, I served myself up to be tread upon and walked over again. It has turned me bitter. Bitter, twisted and full of hate.
The girl that started 2012 was so full of drive. Excitement encapsulates her. She looked forward to finally being able to break out of her shell, to kick start her life with all her grandiose plans. She anticipated a chance to meet strangers whom she would turn to friends. She foresaw a second go at things that she had messed up back when secondary school just started. She embraced new experiences with her arms as wide as they could get. She was so sure everything was going to work out they way that she had wanted to. She was so certain that she would only be handed great experiences, wonderful friends, positive lessons, a handful of admirers to pick out someone that she had always yearned for and a wonderful life ahead. She was happy, confident, self-dependent, loving and a lady.
Her first new, exciting experience was having to work. Being a pampered child, everything was so new to her. Having to wash dishes, having to deal with unreasonable customers, having to take on the role of serving others was on the complete other side of the spectrum that she had always been on. She took everything in her stride. Some days she'd be so worn out from working that she just wanted to just give up. However, on most days, she was enjoying herself, having something useful to do with her life as opposed to wasting her life away. I would go as far to that she almost became a workaholic at some point, taking on 12 hours shifts but she was loving every second of it. Very soon, a new school term was starting and she had to leave that place. She couldn't bear to leave and so she tried to stay on as much as she could, juggling school and work. It was tough but she got by.
What if she had left when her time was up? She could have avoided that one person that would be the first of an onslaught of events to completely flip her world the wrong way around.
Ultimately, she decided that she would stop working for now and concentrate on her studies, with high hopes of returning during her holidays. For all that, a dapper young man walked in one night while she was cleaning up the shop. He was here for an interview. Days later, he started work as an assistant manager. He was a young man blessed with boyish good looks, a lean figure that was subconsciously slouched most of the time, too fair-skinned to be a Malay yet too dark-skinned to be a Chinese. Whenever he smiles, crinkles appeared at the corner of his eyes as they seem to almost disappear. She admired him from afar for a while, often gushing about how good-looking he is with her co-worker.
One night, they worked a closing shift together. It was a relatively slow night at the night with barely any customers patronising the shop. She striked up a conversation with this young man and without warning, she let slip on how she thought he was really cute. He covered his face and turned away, which she later would find out that it was out of embarrassment. To pass the slow night, they started fooling around with the tongs on the counter, clipping each others arms, untying each others aprons, poking at each others' tummy. It was safe to assume it was just harmless flirting. After all, if you had seen an attractive boy, you would do the same wouldn't you? When the momentary dumb fun wore off, he took out his iPhone and started scrolling through his Facebook feeds. She peeked over at his phone and took a quick glance as well.
He asked, "Do you have Facebook?".
She took his phone, searched herself on Facebook and added herself via his account. In her heart was that little wave of happiness brought about by the novelty of having an attractive guy on Facebook, and the thought of being able to look through his pictures. But in that moment, butterflies also started to flutter around in the pits of her being. Young, restless souls they were and soon, boredom filled the air again. This time, the mischievous her took his iPhone and started to disable it. Once, twice, thrice. Soon, it became disabled for over an hour, way past the time she was supposed to knock-off. As a playful punishment, he made her stay with him until his phone was abled again even though it was past the time she was supposed to get off work. She refused and he took her belongings as hostage and locked it up in his locker. She was left with no choice but to stay. Soon, it was time to close the shop up and they both got on with their own work. He kept mentioning how he was hungry as they tidied up the shop.
"Why don't you go get something to eat now? There's still food left in the kitchen", she said.
He kept brushing it off, saying he'll eat later. When they were finally done and he finally returned her belongings so that she could go home, he offered to ride her home on his motorcycle. She kindly obliged. As they were riding home, he mentioned that he was hungry. She asked if he wanted a dinner date. He said he didn't mind and so they rode past her house and on to a late dinner.
It was just a normal dinner between two people. They talked. Well, he did most of the talking. He told her about his rather eventful life. He asked about her life but, well, her life was safe and boring so she had nothing much to contribute. I'm going to roughly assume this was when she fell for him. She admired him for being so strong after all that he had gone through in his life at such a tender age. She looked up to him as someone who was courageous; a fighter. She held him in high regard because he was everything she wanted to be: strong.
He was a Malay (sidenote: I have nothing against Malays), a secondary school dropout, a smoker, 6 years her senior and working as an assistant manager in a bakery. She was a church girl who just graduated from secondary school with exceedingly good results and had her whole life laid out for her. This is going to sound really cliche and over-dramatic, but its almost like the story of Aladdin, I guess.
They coincidentally had a closing shift together again. She was secretly hoping he would ask her out to dinner again. Unfortunately, he didn't. She, however, went to ask him if he wanted to go for dinner. He agreed. From then on, they started exchanging texts and meeting almost everyday.
I wear a smile everyday so that everything would be instantaneously better but is that a genuine smile? I'm not spilling myself out to people around me like I used to anymore but am I withholding too much? I care less but am I displaying extreme apathy instead? I feel like everything's finally calm now but is it? I'm in control, I'm where I want to be right now, I'm back where I started before all the shit happened or am I?
Since this space is so over-clogged with the recent influx of words, here, have a picture of myself and I'd like to take this opportunity to say that from this post onwards, I've sincerely left everything behind and I'm moving forward x
P.S The new While She Sleeps album is catchy as fuck (sorry for the profanity I have no other way to describe how catchy is actually is)
I've been keeping the last 3 posts in my drafts, unsure as to whether I wanted to post it. There was just something holding me back, something telling me that those weren't good enough to be read, that those were the darkest secrets that no one would bother about.
I've finally figured things out with myself. I think after what happened with Lala, it really changed me a lot on the inside; I just never knew it had such a great impact on me. I was just walking home the other night with a heavy heart - and it hit me. It dawned upon me why I was feeling so confused and disorientated for the past 9 months. With that realisation, words started to flow out like honey out of a jar again; smooth and unhesitatingly. I think I've really finally let go and I'm really going to take a step forward in life now. I'd like to believe that God had revealed this to me in the most unexpected of times and I'm extremely thankful for it. I've finally been able to start studying with an aim again, which is a great thing because being without motivation sucked so much and I guess I'm pretty much ok and contented with life right now.
On a sidenote, I'm addicted to soy green tea latte, everyone should try it and change their lives for the better.
*I've only my 2012 post left in my drafts now, maybe I'll finish it, maybe I won't, we'll see.
I almost made the mistake of letting my pain shape me thinking it would be this sad and beautiful thing I would be a walking novel about what you lost and people would quieten their voices when I walked by out of respect, because a ghost just flew by on a gust of wind I imagined my sad eyes, and my mouth set forever in a lost little girl pout, glossed over in pink coral fumbling with my notes, and the letters that I wrote in a dark corner of the coffee shops and bars around town I imagined my suicide dress, and how I’d never take it off and if someone did, they’d find the truth etched into my skin they would understand the weak and fragile things the sad beautiful girl lying there next to them, with a yoke tied to her heart, threatening to crush everything It wasn’t until after I realised that none of that would happen your sadness, no matter how deep, is all your own and every minute, you, as a sad girl in a black dress with messy hair and chewed off fingernails claw onto a past and a feeling you don’t think you can shake off so I let go, and as soon as I did, I saw the sun peak over the mountains, and it was a new day, a new year
Bring me back to those nights where I just laid in your arms in the darkness. I could hear the certain beat of your heart. I could feel your chest as it rose and fell, along with your steady breathing. Your face so serene, deep in slumber, which complemented the silent beauty of the early mornings so very well. I felt at peace, I felt safe. Stupendous joy overwhelms and pours out of my being. For those moments, we were just two beings who felt something different deep within them for another. Simple and pure. That is something no one could provide me with so far. I find myself constantly scouring for that simpleness only you possess. All I've been presented with are jerks after jerks who just use me. How selfish people can be, I will never understand. Then again, maybe I'm partly to blame. I'm partly to blame because I trust people easily, I let them in over time, I crumble with a slight gust of the wind. You, you've got walls thick as steel built around you. You don't let anyone in. Maybe that's why you're still a whole being, unscathed. I wish you'd just give me a chance and let me in. I can't promise not to hurt you, but I don't mean any harm. I will never mean any harm. I'm just sick and tired of degrading and ruining myself. I've always felt like I'm never good enough for anyone but for once, I feel sufficient for you. But with all the recent self-damage, I'm right back where I started. Who would love a wreck like me, especially you?
Where all these feelings and thoughts are coming from, I know not, because we barely exchange a word every single day.
I still miss Lala so much at times like these, even though it has
been 9 months; even though he has completely moved on happily with
someone else; even though I would never cross his mind again.
I’ve been thinking, after all the pain he had caused me, why would I
miss him? I should be angry, I should be full of spite towards him. But
no, I still wish he was around; I still wish I could spend the late
nights out with him; I still wish I could hold his hand; I still wish he
would hold me in his arms; I still wish I could say I love him so much;
I still wish that we could ride his bike through the deserted streets
at night, with my arms tightly wound around his waist.
Then I thought to myself, maybe I just miss having someone around; maybe I just miss the company; maybe I just miss the touch.
Maybe I don’t.
Because if I did, I could have gotten anyone else.
I’ve realised that I’ve been lying to myself along. I hate making
mistakes so when I did, I tried convincing myself that it wasn’t my
fault. I kept trying to make myself feel better about this utterly
stupid decision I chose to make, trying to convince myself that such a
douchebag wasn’t important to me when in fact - he held such an
significant place in my life, even if it was only for a brief period of
time. I still only want him back because I don’t want to let anyone else in
for fear of betrayal and hurt again. I had completely let all my guards
down with him; all my barriers broken. He just chose to do the worst
with what I had to give. I may possibly never give myself off to someone
else like that ever again. I fear that the damage he had caused may
have been greater than I thought; deeper than I have imagined it to be.
Everyday, I hope I find someone again. I look at them and I pick out all
the reasons why they won’t suffice. Maybe I’m the one who can’t suffice
instead. My mind says that I want someone. My heart knows better - I’m
far from wanting, far from ready.
Is this what they meant when they said, “Your first will be your last”?
*Any potential suitor should read this and realise that the reason I
give you the impression that I’m interested yet I push you away in the
end is because I’m scared on the inside but I want to be all tough on
the outside. I enjoy your company but I cannot afford any emotional
investments at the moment, or even in the near future. I don’t push you
away because you’re not good enough or because I just like thrill of the
chase. As a matter of fact, I’m the one who is insufficient and I know
what it’s like to be played.
I've been meaning to write these few days, since I haven't written in forever and sometimes writing really does take a great load off your shoulders. Unfortunately, time hasn't been my greatest ally. I need to learn how to manage my time better. I want to set aside time to do things I like as well, like write and read. I'm midway through writing about last year. You know, the kind of post everyone writes and reflects about the past year they had. I decided that I'll do one for last year since it had been a pretty eventful (in the more horrible of ways) one but yeah, it's something I want to remember as a lesson learnt. Although I'm extremely late. I'll probably only get time to finish it up when my exams are over which is going to be around mid February.
This is just a whole chunk of text woven together so pathetically in the midst of studying but I just really needed to get some things out even if they are not in the greatest of manners.
Recently, I've been trying to get right with God again. You know how everyone always feels a void in them? People try to fill it with a lover, material things, money etc. Since I was a young kid, I've always had that void filled with God. Maybe not always, but most of the time, I never felt that 'so-called' void for a long period of time. It was only until the beginning of this year that I started to go astray. I didn't believe that was a God out there anymore, due to certain events, and for once, I felt so empty within me. It's a certain kind of emptiness that cannot be put into words, like a gaping black hole of some sort, a deep abyss. I tried so many ways to fill the gap, but each time, I just leave feeling emptier and emptier. It came to a point where I realised I needed stop and turn back to what made me whole into the first place. Throughout my life, God has played such a vital role in my life. You may have a differing view on religion and God but I certainly was reminded of how much God has blessed me and brought me through some of the trials of life. I really needed Him back, but I didn't know how. I felt like I've sinned too much, I've sunk way too deep to be saved and I've proven to be too much of a disappointment to be worthy in the Lord's eyes. This past weekend in church, I sensed that God just told me, "You're forgiven". It took me long enough to realise that all these feelings of not-good-enough are just mere blasphemy not from God.
To further assure me of his forgiveness, I believe God sent an angel back into my life in the form of C. C was always an older brother to me. He was someone I placed high up upon a pedestal, someone I really admired and looked up to. When I told him the beginnings of my mistakes at that point in time, I only firmly remembered him saying one thing. "I'm disappointed in you", this line brought about surges of anger and sadness within me. With him persuading me to break up with L at that time didn't help as well. As cliche as this is going to sound, I was really blinded my love (God, I really want to punch myself for using that line it is so gross ew). I was mad that he didn't understand where I was coming from. I was sad that I let him down. I had let such a person so close to my heart down. I felt like I wasn't good enough to be his friend anymore. I felt inferior. From then on, I just let him go. The last thing I told him was that I broke up with L and I hope he's happy about it. I just stopped contacting him after that. I still thought about him from time to time and I really missed him. I really missed having him around, giving me such great advice. I missed having such a Godly influence around, seeing him having so much faith in God made me want to be as faithful as him. But he dropped me a text recently and I said that if we do bump into each other at church, we should hang out. I did bump into him on Saturday and we hung out. It was so nice to have his company again. He is the only one in church that I've told all my little secrets to. It's nice to know that after all this time, we can still talk like we used to although we've changed so much in our own little ways. So much has happened/change but we're still siblings at heart after all.
I don't know, I'm starting to really understand what God is trying to do all this time. I thought he had forsaken me, but turns out, he just makes everything beautiful in His time. I've learnt so much these past few months. Right now, I just really need to make myself whole again, with God's help. I have absolutely no idea where to start, seeing as I've so much laid before me. I know for one, I've to make God a priority again, instead of someone else, which is going to be tough, but I believe with God's grace, I will. I've got to pull my grades up again and at the same time have the social life I'm enjoying now. I've got to learn how to be a better judge of character and trust only the right people, yet learn how to be loving and compassionate towards everyone. I've got play a little nicer, love a little more, be more optimistic and have limits. I've to swear a little lesser, speak more words of encouragement and act a little more lady-like. I've to generally be a better person now.
You. Since that day when I realised how self-centred and careless you were, I thought I was done with you. I thought that I was just so over you. But turns out I wasn't. Every little thing you do still strings my emotions along, like a little puppet. I laugh to myself everytime I realise how I get jealous when you praise someone else and not me or when you tweet heart shapes to other girls. It is so completely absolutely moronic. I've come to terms with the fact that it's completely impossible between us. I don't harbor any more hope of anything happening between us but I still do feel for you. I guess I just have to let time do its magic. For now, I guess I'll just continue to miss you until I don't anymore. God, please take these feelings away. All I want now is to love you and only you God.
"I think it’s important to remember that this is a blog I’ve created for a
certain purpose. It is not me, nor is it a reflection of all that I am,
it is more of an ongoing story. It explores a part of me, and
thoughts/ideas that I have that have no place in my ‘actual’ life. I
won’t deny my past, or pretend I don’t care about it, but I’m not stuck
in it, nor do I wish to be back in it. I think that is more or less
Yesterday turned out more than I had expected it to be. For starters, I never saw it coming. You asking me out? That's unheard of. But hey, I ain't complaining. I thought I'd just tag along even thought I know I'd be totally useless there since you guys would be flying here and there on your boards. I guess you were enough reason for me to go along. It was a long journey to the East and the weather proved unfavourable. We ended up in Esplanade somehow. I was just rolling around stupidly while you guys flipped and tricked out. It was pretty cool actually, watching you do tricks and stuff. Quite attractive, actually. You taught M a simple trick and I decided to shamelessly poke my butt in and learn it as well. For the most part, it seemed pretty fun and cool, but a little part of me wanted to impress you as well. I want you to notice me. I mastered it quick enough to garner praises from you. That made my night. For you to look at me and smile and tell me that I'm doing it right; it makes me die a little inside. We soon made our way back and I persuaded (whined) you to take a longer route to company me, which you did because the train arrived first anyway. I sat opposite you, beside your friend. At times, I catch glimpses of you looking at me. When it was your stop, you waved bye and got off. I could've sworn you stole one last glance at me before you stepped off the train.
Yesterday got me thinking. I haven't had such a good night/day in ages. I haven't spent my time so well without the need for alcohol or high expenses. I don't quite know how to word this, but there are times when you can just spend a whole day doing something simple but having so much fun with it. It's the kind of fun I used to have with D back when she still lived just down the road. Ever since she left, I haven't had those times in a while, and I miss it. You can't have these simple fun times with just anyone. There has to be some chemistry or something between two people to do simple mundane stuff but still have fun with it. It's not something you come across often and I'm glad I found it with you. Perhaps you're not someone I would call out anytime just yet, like how I am with D, but I'm hoping one day I'll be able to do that. This is a step forward nonetheless, I'm happy.
Ever since the start of school up to yesterday, we never talked much or hung out much. I was so close to just throwing in the towel and walking away. I'm tired of waiting and giving myself false hopes. Furthermore, so much has happened recently, with D and all. It made me so unsure of everything. I was almost sure with a little more time, I would have given up and got over you in just a snap of my fingers. But yesterday happened. When I'm around you, everything just feels so simple and alright. When I look at you, a smile instantaneously forms on my face. Yesterday reminded me of all the reasons why I'm feeling this way in the first place. Maybe yesterday was just a coincidence. Maybe all I've mentioned above is just me giving myself false hopes again. But I really like you, I really do.
Its scary how fast time passes when I'm in school. It seems like I just go through the motions everyday and each day comes and goes in a blink of an eye, with the snap of my fingers. Very soon, its going to be the common test and I can almost envision myself panicking again because I know nothing about anything and achieving mediocre grades and sorely regretting it and telling myself that I will work hard for the next examinations and I don't and it becomes a sick vicious cycle I'm a captive of and I don't know. That's all I'm ever good at saying. I don't know. But that's all I ever know.
People are arriving, class it starting, I should get going with life. Here's hoping I have a good day, please God.
Would you be mine, would you be my baby tonight
Could be kissing my fruit punch lips in the bright sunshine
Cause I like you quite a lot, everything you got, don't you know
It's you that I adore, though I make the boys fall like dominoes
I had a 3 hour Skype session with Denise on Sunday and a further random session today while I was having lessons in school. It was really nice talking to her and catching up, since I have properly spoken to her in a while. It almost feels like she never left actually. When we used hang out, we'd have brief moments of comfortable silences that isn't easy to come by. When we were Skype-ing, we'd have random times where we wouldn't say anything. We'd do our own things but we know that the other person is just there right if you want to say anything. She's one of the few rare people that I can just have comfortable silences with and I like comfortable silences sometimes. You just sit there, not say anything and know that the other person is just right there for you if you ever need anything. This probably doesn't make much sense but I'm sure if she saw this, she'd probably understand what I mean. God, I miss having her around. I was making my way home from school the other day and because the school's bus stop was so crowded, I took a short walk down to the bus stop opposite King Albert's Park where I could hop on any bus. I passed by Denise's place on the way there and I thought to myself, "Hey, since I don't really want to go home, why not drop by her place, crash her ginormous couch, watch tv and pig out?" For a moment I was really happy. Then I realised that she doesn't live there anymore. I realised that she wasn't there anymore. I realised she was halfway around the globe. I no longer have her house to go to when I have nothing better to go, I no longer have her to call when I want to have ice cream/ Thai food/ Macs/ Starbucks. I started to tear up a little. God, I just really miss having her around.
I had Sogurt with A and L on the first day of school. Finally, we had time together as a trio. It was nice having some girl time with them since we've all been so busy with our own lives during the holiday that we barely met up as a trio. I think we almost never met as a trio during the holidays. I'm so thankful to have them around though. We get each other. We have these little secrets, jokes and funny stories that we keep between us. It's nice. They're keeping me going.
Hey Cole, if you're reading this, I miss you. Hang out soon.
I don't know if I'm conciously or sub-conciously avoiding you but I do know I've been spending less time around you. I don't know if I mean to, because I still want to be friends with you, I still want to get to know you and I still want to be a part of your life. But it hurts every time I see you. I haven't properly looked you in the eyes in ages, until today. You were up in front for a presentation and my eyes couldn't help but be drawn to you. As you presented, in your usual somewhat lackadaisical manner, you made the whole room crack up. You mean to, you didn't do anything funny. It's just the way you do things sometimes. I don't quite know how to say it. But most importantly, you made me smile so wide and you reminded me of all the reasons why I fell for you. And I buried those feelings again minutes after.
I accidentally chanced upon your Twitter today. I saw some tweets that I probably shouldn't have but a physical ball of pain started to form in the pits of my stomach. I could literally feel some sort of ache in me. Then I remembered that you told me before, to never take you seriously because you don't mean what you say most of the time. Then I further remembered that you always had a habit of tweeting things that don't mean anything to you although people would think it did. Then I realised, that I was no one to you that you should be tweeting anything in reference to me because you don't care about me as much as I care about you. In fact, I don't think you bother at all. Sure, it hurt when I saw those tweets. Sometimes I wish they were actually in reference to me because that'll mean you actually do think about me, you actually do care.
23 Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. - Luke 9:23
It would be nice to have someone to snuggle up to; two beings seemingly merge into one, the bigger frame enveloping the smaller one, making you feel so safe and protected. It would be nice to have a broad shoulder to rest your head on; after a long day of fighting whatever battles you did, returning to seek solace in something so solid and dependable. It would be nice to have someone to do things with; every time you have a eureka moment or a sudden need for adventure, you'd always have someone to call upon. It would be nice to have someone to tell you that you're beautiful; when you're in need of a reminder that someone out there appreciates you and that you're loved. It would be nice to have someone you could tell the gritty details of your day to without feeling like you're imposing; vice versa. It would be nice to have someone who would make an effort to understand you and figure you out; you'd never have to put on a front, you could just be yourself and act however you want to. It would be nice to have someone to hold, to kiss, to hug because we all crave the touch of another being.
It would also be nice to be self-dependent. Excuse me while I have a needy night.
P/S I hope you don't think that I don't like you anymore because I still do. I wish we had more things in common. Hell, I wish we could just have ONE thing in common. We're two polar opposites. There's nothing we can do together, there's nothing much for us to talk about. I still do like you as much as I did like you. I don't know what's the point in me saying this because its not like anything is going to happen regardless of how long or much I like you. Only, I don't want you to think, "Oh, she doesn't like me anymore, that was fast, oh well great things are back to normal and I'll pretend nothing ever happened" because my mind still routinely brings me back into your arms every damned night. You're someone special to me and I care a lot about you. And it hurts.
(Stole this for Ash's Instagram because I'm a lousy Blackbery user, hence I don't have nice photos of myself and I'm fully aware that I pale in comparison beside Ash's beauty but what to do...)
I've come to the realisation that I haven't done an actual life update in ages. Like one of those blog posts that says I've done this, this, this with so and so and so on that day, that day, that day. I don't know, I've always found those posts to be really boring because a) my life isn't interesting at all and b) my life really isn't interesting. But here's a shot in the dark.
7 weeks have come and pass just like that. So much has happened within this time that I can't even remember most of it. They're just bits and pieces of memories without any time stamp to them. I've experienced a myriad of emotions and fought some (inner) demons (and I am still fighting them). I'm finally willing to come around and find my way back to God. I really am not proud to say that I'm a Christian when people ask, because of the many things I've done. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not in a position to be telling people about God, bringing them to church and encouraging them to become a Christian as well. Its borderline hypocritical of me to be doing so. I don't quite know how to put it into actual words. I'm really glad I'm finally thinking rationally. I still do make irrational decision though (like last night) but I really needed that. Its somewhat like a temporary closure I guess, a fullstop in some sense. But I know that I have to bear whatever consequences they bring. I'm a far cry from the person I was this time last year, completely a former shadow of myself but I'm trying to bring a dose of that person back. I do need her. I'm trying to find a balance between everything.
I finally met up with my Poly group of friends during the week, after a chain of failed plans and them going to Malaysia without me because I was overseas. We caught The Perks of Being A Wallflower and just chilled over some food after that. I can't help but think that a year later, we probably wouldn't be in the same group of friends anymore. Our friendship was built upon toxic, toxic that we're all trying to kick out of our lives and if we do manage to then, what would be left to bring us together? We're all so different, with nothing in common. We'll see how it goes. On another note, it was really nice seeing you but seeing you also brought with it a wave of emotions I've suppressed. I guess when you don't actually see someone much, you gradually 'forget' all you've felt. Well, until you see them and realised that you've not forgotten, just buried. My first instinct was to just distance myself, which is moronic and I apologize. But hey, good to see that you're still you, smiling and all.
Tomorrow marks the start of my 2nd semester in my first year of Poly. I've wasted my first semester away and I've disappointed myself. I need to get my act together because I have places to go and things to do. I've got to learn to grow up a little. I don't want this semester to be an exact replica of the past one. I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know how to get back on track after all that has happened but I only know one thing: balance.
The only time I feel good falling is when I'm falling fast and hard for you The last two digits when I'm calling fade away but somehow I'll get through The only time I feel good sinking is when I'm sinking fast and deep for you You caught me as I was winking now I think my winking days are through Could it be another change to come and rearrange? Why can't you just feel the way I do? You can't love no one, you can't love something You can't love nothing, you can't love anything Till you can love yourself, till you can love yourself, you can love yourself The only time I feel good falling is when I'm falling fast and hard for you I can't tell if you are stalling so if you are please tell me what to do The only time I feel good sinking is when I'm sinking fast and deep for you You caught me when I was winking now I think my winking days are through
Sometimes, I feel like I used to be so 'in control' of my life. In the sense that I knew what I was doing, what I needed to do next, where I was going and where I would end up. I had everything planned, picture perfect, and all I had to do was follow through and not stray. One person changed it all. One person abruptly enters, pulls you away from all you've known and shows you a whole new dimension to this life. To say that one person made me who I am right at this moment would be giving him/her to much credit, so let's just say it was a collaborative effort of many. Since then, I've never found my way back to where I was, and its a pity I may never. Looking back, I had it all, I had most of it. Granted, it may have been boring, it may have been simple, but maybe that was all that I needed. At this very moment, I'm just lost and confused and I know no where to go anymore. There's so many things running through my head yet my mind's a blank slate, at the very same time. I've made so many wrong choice in such a short window of time. They always say, its the wrong choices that'll lead you to something great/good. Somehow, I don't see anything good coming out of all these. All I see, is that I'm sinking further, farther and deeper.
Hey D, you're cute but man, you're fucked up. I mean, really, really fucked up. I hate to swear as I type but I can't think of any other way to describe you. I've always placed you high up upon that pedestal but you've managed to bring yourself to the depths of the abyss in a single night. I've only been greeted by the repulsive side of humanity by television screens and the word of mouth. To see it with my very own eyes? That was an eye-opener. You were a completely different being that day, and to be honest, a certain part of me was so disappointed. But right now? I'm just completely disgusted at you. And at myself. I'm sorry I ever made such a decision that day.
This is the very first time we're going out together, just the two of us. I was really over the moon when we agreed to go out. Then other factors came into play and that joy soon turned into worries, confusing and frustration. That, slowly developed into bitterness and a little dose of anger. But I could never stay angry at you for long, could I? Thursday soon came and I was still very much confused and worried when I woke up. But as the hour drew near, it morphed into a bundle of nerves and butterflies started flitting in the pits of my stomach. I know how absolutely moronic and unnecessary all of this sounds, but I couldn't help it, could I?
Things were pretty strange at first. Awkward would be too strong of a word to use, but it was something along those lines. I'm really thankful that we could carry on a decent conversation though. Sure, there were little bouts of slightly uncomfortable silences and we were most avoiding each others gazes, but it was nice in its own little strange ways.
I knew I had to find some traces of answers to have a peace of mind, and so I tried. I swear, we were the two most awkward people at that very moment. I didn't really find what I needed because you didn't really give me much to begin with. I guess whatever little you provided is enough and I don't want to push you up against a wall. We went back into casual conversations, but this time around, it was comfortable. I wasn't thinking much. We were just talking like I would with any of my other friends. That was when I realised that, hey, we're carrying out a normal conversation like two friends would, like two strangers attempting to discover more about each other. It was nice.
You told me that you didn't want me to get too affected by you. Its nearly impossible for me, because while you may have a tight rein over your emotions, I don't. But I've learn to live and let live with it. I've unknowingly invested a part of my emotions into you, but I won't let my happiness depend solely on what you do or don't do. I'll keep the good vibes and let the bad vibes linger for a little while before I rid of them. You told me that you didn't want me to wait. Well, I'm not waiting for anything. If these feelings would fade eventually, then I'd be naturally gone, but for now, I'm here. I still don't know where we are, I still don't know what we're doing, I still don't know where were. But those 2 over hours spent with you makes me feel all fuzzy and warm inside. I can't say it made me happy, neither can I say it has given me joy. I don't quite now of a perfectly apt way to describe it, but its a good feeling. Here's to spending much more time together (I hope) and creating some good memories.
We're just ordinary people We don't know which way to go Cause we're ordinary people Maybe we should take it slow
"That’s the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life." - Chuck Palahniuk
Redang was awesome. I'd trade anything in the world for the sun, the sand and the sea at any given day. The natural sunlight there was so good for taking photos, I couldn't resist a few self-shots, which explains the flurry of self-shots. If Redang is already so wonderful, I can only imagine what Maldives would be like. And if there were a heaven, it'd probably be/ should be something like this.
My days were filled with snorkelling, hanging out at my favourite little spot on the hammock with a good book and tanning. Snorkelling was great fun. The marine park was pretty crowded but there were so many pretty fishes there. I dare not venture out too far alone though. We were brought out into the open sea on the second trip and there were lesser fishes there but much more corals, which were absolutely gorgeous. One of the boatmen showed me around the area and swam with me. We dived in and out, closing clams up by touching them. He brought me a sea cucumber from the seabed and one of the other boatmen caught a little clownfish aka Nemo for me before letting it back out. It was so cute and tiny. I also caught a jellyfish. Apparently there were some baby sharks near the resort's beach and the boatmen volunteered to take me to see them but when we swam out, it got too dark to be finding baby sharks. Such a shame though. Taking pictures underwater was pretty cool as well, I felt like a supermodel for a bit (though I barely look like one, its pretty hard trying to open your eyes and coordinate your movements in water). I got myself a great tan which makes me feel so damn sexy and free right now (note: Jessie J reference). I've rekindled my love for reading and coupled with a nice hammock to swing, the sea breeze and the sound of the crashing waves, my being was slowly made whole again and healed, bit by bit.
The resort had no free WiFi at all so I was forced to completely disconnect myself from whatever life I have. I was pretty pissed for a while but it turned out to be really therapeutic in weird way. I was able to get my mind back into a good place and sort out all my thoughts/ emotions. I'm still undecided up to this point, but I've got a better sense of things. It was a quick getaway but a very beneficial one. My only complaint? I wish I had someone to share all these wonderful sights/ sounds/ memories with.