I feel as if I'm morphing into this person who's so shallow and ignorant. It is possible to become shallow and ignorant? Does your surrounding make you shallow and ignorant or do you choose to be shallow and ignorant? Is your personality within your control or does it conform to the your surroundings? Was it pre-destined that you'd become a certain person at a certain point of time? I'm not saying I was very deep and wise before that. But at least I knew things far beyond a 15 year old's knowledge. I'm not blowing my trumpet or anything, but I liked knowing things that others didn't. It made me feel superior/good in some way. I used to be real inqusitive. But somehow these days I feel like I'm losing it bit by bit. I used to be able to engage is conversations that had substance, that would revolve around things of this world and humans in general. I used to be able to have intelligent discussions. But now I almost feel that I can't seem to pick the right words to say or I can't continue on a proper conversation with whomever I may be talking to at that point in time because of a lack of knowledge about that certain topic. I don't know if it's just me, or if I'm giving in to the education system's one track minded mentality, or if I'm just getting influenced by the people I hang out with.

I abhor a certain someone's personality. It's quite a real turn-off. Yet I feel like I'm becoming like her. Not totally, but bits and pieces are starting to rub off me and I do not like it at all yet I feel like it's not within my control. I know the solution would be to just stop hanging out with her but she can be quite a lovely person sometimes.

Am I able to choose who I want to be? Because then I want to be in a place where there are gigs/shows available weekly and they are reasonably priced. I want to be that person who's a regular at shows and the bastard that crowd surfs to every damn song. I want to be able to meet new people every week that shares that same passion. I want to meet the bands that have helped me so much with their songs. I want to adorn my body with beautiful tattoos. You know that feeling of euphoria when you got back your PSLE results? That feeling of blood rushing through your veins, your heart pumping like mad? I want to feel that again. And reading about people's experiences at gigs/shows makes me feel like that's where I can recapture that feeling. But obviously I haven't crowd surfed or moshed before because I'm too much of a wimp to do so plus, the gigs over here are way over priced. But I don't want people to view me as 'that cool hardcore kid'. It'll just be my alter-ego perhaps. The next lines are gonna sound almost too creepy but I admire Brenna Daugherty. She's almost who I want to be, just not an exact copy. I'll still be myself but somedays I wished I had some of her within me.

I hate how emotion driven I am sometimes. Somehow it feels like it's something I can't control.

I wish on so many things but somehow I don't act on them.

I feel so distant from God ever since I slipped up the other night. I find it so hard to put God first. I constantly fall into temptation, holding the things of this world in such high esteem, repeatedly forgetting that they are just temporary. I'm trying my hardest to stop this urge, but it keeps coming back, wave after wave. It's tough.