I had dinner at Jones The Grocer at Dempsey on Friday and it was amazing. But anyway, I just strolled pass this restaurant named Magarita's and there were many Caucasians there. The place was so lively, buzzing and brimming with such good vibes. Then I walked pass Jumbo where all the Chinese were. It was so dull, quite and very much lifeless. This just gives me one more reason to dislike Chinese people and favor Caucasians/Europeans. It's like, when you're having a meal you'll obviously want to be having a good time and catching up with friends or family, which is what exactly the Caucasians do. They drink, they eat, they laugh and they be merry. I like that. But the Chinese are so anti social during meal times and only focus on their food, not even making the slightest of eye contact with anyone, maybe a little forced chatter and that's it. I know it's Chinese tradition that people shouldn't be taking when they're eating as it is disrespectful, but come on, this is the 21st century. Our lives are so busy that meal times are probably the only times where we get to talk and just basically chill out a bit. Then again, maybe I'm just more for the Caucasians lifestyle, even if I'm Chinese. Chinese has got to be one of the worst races in the world, apart from Indians. I'm racist, so sue me.

Yesterday, my church had a treasure hunt in line with this week's 40 UP schedule. To be honest, I wasn't real pumped for it and I can't think of a time today where I was real pumped for it either. But maybe it's because I've been real distant from God this past week and just basically neglecting him to fulfill my own selfish desires. I tried to listen out for God's voice and I got some things and I did decide to go with it in faith, but it's probably just a figment of my own imagination and my own desires. I still managed to bless a pregnant lady though, so all was well and I thank God that he gave me an opportunity to bless someone. Also, today served as a great bonding time for my cell and I had such delightful conversations with Cordelia and Cheryl. Also, Seth was a vocalist today and he is so adorable, I swear. He's so into the music and just purely feeding off the energy from the music. He's so free onstage, jumping around, head banging, dancing however he likes even if people are laughing at him. It brought a smile to my face watching him just be himself and it led me to think again about joining the worship ministry. I've been thinking about it for a while now but I'm still pretty doubtful and it's not like I can sing very well or anything. In fact, I think I'm quite a mediocre if not awful singer. But yeah, Seth was really cute onstage. Yes, I do think he's cute but no, I do not have a fangirl crush on him. Just clearing the air.

Tonight is just one of those nights where I think everyone is a dickhead so just skip past whatever is coming up next because you're probably not going to like it anyway seeing as I'm going to whine like a prissy little spoiled brat.

I'm just so sick and tired of studying already and it's come to a point where I'm finally like starting to feel like everything is collapsing down and I just can't go on anymore, even if you say that it's only for 2 months more but I can't and I don't want to and I just want to give up everything. Either way, I'm still going to go on. But the fact that I've been such a lazy prick is adding on to this already huge amount of stress. Why am I fighting to hard for? What am I even fighting so hard for? I just want to give everything up. I'm just tired and worn out and I just need someone or somebody to just hold me and do something nice for me and make my day and tell me that everything's going to be all right and I'm going to do everything well. Yes, I'm needy, I know and I can't help it because I'm tired to being alone and independent. I've been alone and independent for most of my life and it comes to a point in time where I just wished I could just fall on someone. Someone tangible maybe. But no, there's no one to rely on and I'm just insanely jealous of people who have such close relationships with their sibling, or anyone with sibling for that matter. It just occurred to be that I've been pushing so hard for the past 8 months or so and some people are just getting started now while I'm starting to lose it and they are going to end up doing better than me because they are studying at the right times. I'm just livid that people actually don't study and don't give to shits about studying and they do well and better than someone who actually has busted their ass off. This world is so unfair and I'm just tired of it being unfair.

I don't even know what I'm rambling on about anymore, just fuck it.