This time around, there's something different.

But I won't be too quick to say that, because that's what I always say. That's what everyone always says. In the end, it turns out to be the same old shit all over again. I'm hoping, but I'm not getting my hopes up too high, for fear of disappointment. Trepidations and hesitations still swallow me whole so I'll just take this a day at a time. Circumstances have disallowed me to dive headfirst into this and I'm extremely grateful for that. Circumstances have reigned in my foolishness, my impulsiveness.  Circumstances have given me time to think, re-think and to take in the whole picture. It started out as a little crush, the familiar sense of nothing more than physical attraction but it's turning out to be more than that. I no longer crave solely for your touch. Instead, I yearn to get to know you more, as a person, as another human being. I desire to hear your fears, your dreams, your achievements, your past hurts. These precious things that people hold so close to their hearts, these cherished thoughts that are buried deep within the confinements of their head; I long to hear yours as I spill mine. Circumstances have left me with no choice but to be patient. God only knows that the one thing I severely lack when it comes to this, is patience. This may be a good omen of things that may come our way. I've had it up to here with fleeting feelings of physical attraction. For once, I want something permanent, I want something that's here to stay, at least for a while if not for a long time. For that, I'm willing to wait, to chalk up some patience. At least for now.

See, I have this theory. Your first one makes you open up your heart and breaks down all the walls that you have built and kept up for most of your life. When it doesn't end well, you take some time to built those walls up again, to mend that broken heart. You manage to piece back together your shattered barriers to the best of your abilities, even if they are not as strong as before, even if there are cracks all over. Having been through the pain of heartbreak and the betrayal of someone so close whom you've entrusted something so sacred to, you're a lot more cautious the second time around. You know full well your guards aren't as strong as before, rendering you considerably more vulnerable, causing you to be more wary. When you do find the strength and courage to open up again, this second chance that you've been presented is probably the last one you'll get. If things doesn't end well this second time around, you might just give up all hope. Your heart might turn to stone, and you'd probably lose all hope and belief. I don't know about you, but my first chance was irrationally and senselessly tossed right into the chute. I wish I had a chance to take it back, but I can't. So I'm treasuring this second shot I have, I'm protecting it with everything I've got because it's all I have left.

We're both at our second shot at this whole thing. I don't know if I'm ready; I've got this gut feeling you aren't. Mind you, my gut feelings turn out to be quite scarily accurate. I don't know if you're going to be worth it yet, or if I'm going to be worthy enough for you. My gut says your heart is still somewhere out there with someone, even if your head says otherwise. But what scares me the most, what keeps me thinking, what makes me tremble, is that a part of you is starting to sprout inside of me. Your sheer appearance just makes me feel so good, your mere presence makes me feel so safe. You make me feel so jealous at times, you make me smile myself silly at other times. I don't know where this is going, I'm clueless as to how things will work out. Maybe everything might just fade, falter and wither with time. But, supposing that, we give each other a chance, this might erase all my previous pain and heartache, this might reignite the spark that I've lost along with a part of me, this might be what we've been searching for, this might be it?