I had a 3 hour Skype session with Denise on Sunday and a further random session today while I was having lessons in school. It was really nice talking to her and catching up, since I have properly spoken to her in a while. It almost feels like she never left actually. When we used hang out, we'd have brief moments of comfortable silences that isn't easy to come by. When we were Skype-ing, we'd have random times where we wouldn't say anything. We'd do our own things but we know that the other person is just there right if you want to say anything. She's one of the few rare people that I can just have comfortable silences with and I like comfortable silences sometimes. You just sit there, not say anything and know that the other person is just right there for you if you ever need anything. This probably doesn't make much sense but I'm sure if she saw this, she'd probably understand what I mean. God, I miss having her around. I was making my way home from school the other day and because the school's bus stop was so crowded, I took a short walk down to the bus stop opposite King Albert's Park where I could hop on any bus. I passed by Denise's place on the way there and I thought to myself, "Hey, since I don't really want to go home, why not drop by her place, crash her ginormous couch, watch tv and pig out?" For a moment I was really happy. Then I realised that she doesn't live there anymore. I realised that she wasn't there anymore. I realised she was halfway around the globe. I no longer have her house to go to when I have nothing better to go, I no longer have her to call when I want to have ice cream/ Thai food/ Macs/ Starbucks. I started to tear up a little. God, I just really miss having her around.



I had Sogurt with A and L on the first day of school. Finally, we had time together as a trio. It was nice having some girl time with them since we've all been so busy with our own lives during the holiday that we barely met up as a trio. I think we almost never met as a trio during the holidays. I'm so thankful to have them around though. We get each other. We have these little secrets, jokes and funny stories that we keep between us. It's nice. They're keeping me going.

Hey Cole, if you're reading this, I miss you. Hang out soon.

I don't know if I'm conciously or sub-conciously avoiding you but I do know I've been spending less time around you. I don't know if I mean to, because I still want to be friends with you, I still want to get to know you and I still want to be a part of your life. But it hurts every time I see you. I haven't properly looked you in the eyes in ages, until today. You were up in front for a presentation and my eyes couldn't help but be drawn to you. As you presented, in your usual somewhat lackadaisical manner, you made the whole room crack up. You mean to, you didn't do anything funny. It's just the way you do things sometimes. I don't quite know how to say it. But most importantly, you made me smile so wide and you reminded me of all the reasons why I fell for you. And I buried those feelings again minutes after.

I accidentally chanced upon your Twitter today. I saw some tweets that I probably shouldn't have but a physical ball of pain started to form in the pits of my stomach. I could literally feel some sort of ache in me. Then I remembered that you told me before, to never take you seriously because you don't mean what you say most of the time. Then I further remembered that you always had a habit of tweeting things that don't mean anything to you although people would think it did. Then I realised, that I was no one to you that you should be tweeting anything in reference to me because you don't care about me as much as I care about you. In fact, I don't think you bother at all. Sure, it hurt when I saw those tweets. Sometimes I wish they were actually in reference to me because that'll mean you actually do think about me, you actually do care.

²³ Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. - Luke 9:23

God, save me.

Labels: Life, Thoughts