Sometimes, I feel like I used to be so 'in control' of my life. In the sense that I knew what I was doing, what I needed to do next, where I was going and where I would end up. I had everything planned, picture perfect, and all I had to do was follow through and not stray. One person changed it all. One person abruptly enters, pulls you away from all you've known and shows you a whole new dimension to this life. To say that one person made me who I am right at this moment would be giving him/her to much credit, so let's just say it was a collaborative effort of many. Since then, I've never found my way back to where I was, and its a pity I may never. Looking back, I had it all, I had most of it. Granted, it may have been boring, it may have been simple, but maybe that was all that I needed. At this very moment, I'm just lost and confused and I know no where to go anymore. There's so many things running through my head yet my mind's a blank slate, at the very same time. I've made so many wrong choice in such a short window of time. They always say, its the wrong choices that'll lead you to something great/good. Somehow, I don't see anything good coming out of all these. All I see, is that I'm sinking further, farther and deeper.

Hey D, you're cute but man, you're fucked up. I mean, really, really fucked up. I hate to swear as I type but I can't think of any other way to describe you. I've always placed you high up upon that pedestal but you've managed to bring yourself to the depths of the abyss in a single night. I've only been greeted by the repulsive side of humanity by television screens and the word of mouth. To see it with my very own eyes? That was an eye-opener. You were a completely different being that day, and to be honest, a certain part of me was so disappointed. But right now? I'm just completely disgusted at you. And at myself. I'm sorry I ever made such a decision that day. 


I just need some control over my life again.

Labels: Thoughts