Monday, November 26, 2012 12:03:00 AM
Too many thoughts, too little time. But I'll try.
Recently, I've been trying to get right with God again. You know how everyone always feels a void in them? People try to fill it with a lover, material things, money etc. Since I was a young kid, I've always had that void filled with God. Maybe not always, but most of the time, I never felt that 'so-called' void for a long period of time. It was only until the beginning of this year that I started to go astray. I didn't believe that was a God out there anymore, due to certain events, and for once, I felt so empty within me. It's a certain kind of emptiness that cannot be put into words, like a gaping black hole of some sort, a deep abyss. I tried so many ways to fill the gap, but each time, I just leave feeling emptier and emptier. It came to a point where I realised I needed stop and turn back to what made me whole into the first place. Throughout my life, God has played such a vital role in my life. You may have a differing view on religion and God but I certainly was reminded of how much God has blessed me and brought me through some of the trials of life. I really needed Him back, but I didn't know how. I felt like I've sinned too much, I've sunk way too deep to be saved and I've proven to be too much of a disappointment to be worthy in the Lord's eyes. This past weekend in church, I sensed that God just told me, "You're forgiven". It took me long enough to realise that all these feelings of not-good-enough are just mere blasphemy not from God.
To further assure me of his forgiveness, I believe God sent an angel back into my life in the form of C. C was always an older brother to me. He was someone I placed high up upon a pedestal, someone I really admired and looked up to. When I told him the beginnings of my mistakes at that point in time, I only firmly remembered him saying one thing. "I'm disappointed in you", this line brought about surges of anger and sadness within me. With him persuading me to break up with L at that time didn't help as well. As cliche as this is going to sound, I was really blinded my love (God, I really want to punch myself for using that line it is so gross ew). I was mad that he didn't understand where I was coming from. I was sad that I let him down. I had let such a person so close to my heart down. I felt like I wasn't good enough to be his friend anymore. I felt inferior. From then on, I just let him go. The last thing I told him was that I broke up with L and I hope he's happy about it. I just stopped contacting him after that. I still thought about him from time to time and I really missed him. I really missed having him around, giving me such great advice. I missed having such a Godly influence around, seeing him having so much faith in God made me want to be as faithful as him. But he dropped me a text recently and I said that if we do bump into each other at church, we should hang out. I did bump into him on Saturday and we hung out. It was so nice to have his company again. He is the only one in church that I've told all my little secrets to. It's nice to know that after all this time, we can still talk like we used to although we've changed so much in our own little ways. So much has happened/change but we're still siblings at heart after all.
I don't know, I'm starting to really understand what God is trying to do all this time. I thought he had forsaken me, but turns out, he just makes everything beautiful in His time. I've learnt so much these past few months. Right now, I just really need to make myself whole again, with God's help. I have absolutely no idea where to start, seeing as I've so much laid before me. I know for one, I've to make God a priority again, instead of someone else, which is going to be tough, but I believe with God's grace, I will. I've got to pull my grades up again and at the same time have the social life I'm enjoying now. I've got to learn how to be a better judge of character and trust only the right people, yet learn how to be loving and compassionate towards everyone. I've got play a little nicer, love a little more, be more optimistic and have limits. I've to swear a little lesser, speak more words of encouragement and act a little more lady-like. I've to generally be a better person now.
You. Since that day when I realised how self-centred and careless you were, I thought I was done with you. I thought that I was just so over you. But turns out I wasn't. Every little thing you do still strings my emotions along, like a little puppet. I laugh to myself everytime I realise how I get jealous when you praise someone else and not me or when you tweet heart shapes to other girls. It is so completely absolutely moronic. I've come to terms with the fact that it's completely impossible between us. I don't harbor any more hope of anything happening between us but I still do feel for you. I guess I just have to let time do its magic. For now, I guess I'll just continue to miss you until I don't anymore. God, please take these feelings away. All I want now is to love you and only you God.
Humbly fear the Lord and trust in Him
Recently, I've been trying to get right with God again. You know how everyone always feels a void in them? People try to fill it with a lover, material things, money etc. Since I was a young kid, I've always had that void filled with God. Maybe not always, but most of the time, I never felt that 'so-called' void for a long period of time. It was only until the beginning of this year that I started to go astray. I didn't believe that was a God out there anymore, due to certain events, and for once, I felt so empty within me. It's a certain kind of emptiness that cannot be put into words, like a gaping black hole of some sort, a deep abyss. I tried so many ways to fill the gap, but each time, I just leave feeling emptier and emptier. It came to a point where I realised I needed stop and turn back to what made me whole into the first place. Throughout my life, God has played such a vital role in my life. You may have a differing view on religion and God but I certainly was reminded of how much God has blessed me and brought me through some of the trials of life. I really needed Him back, but I didn't know how. I felt like I've sinned too much, I've sunk way too deep to be saved and I've proven to be too much of a disappointment to be worthy in the Lord's eyes. This past weekend in church, I sensed that God just told me, "You're forgiven". It took me long enough to realise that all these feelings of not-good-enough are just mere blasphemy not from God.
To further assure me of his forgiveness, I believe God sent an angel back into my life in the form of C. C was always an older brother to me. He was someone I placed high up upon a pedestal, someone I really admired and looked up to. When I told him the beginnings of my mistakes at that point in time, I only firmly remembered him saying one thing. "I'm disappointed in you", this line brought about surges of anger and sadness within me. With him persuading me to break up with L at that time didn't help as well. As cliche as this is going to sound, I was really blinded my love (God, I really want to punch myself for using that line it is so gross ew). I was mad that he didn't understand where I was coming from. I was sad that I let him down. I had let such a person so close to my heart down. I felt like I wasn't good enough to be his friend anymore. I felt inferior. From then on, I just let him go. The last thing I told him was that I broke up with L and I hope he's happy about it. I just stopped contacting him after that. I still thought about him from time to time and I really missed him. I really missed having him around, giving me such great advice. I missed having such a Godly influence around, seeing him having so much faith in God made me want to be as faithful as him. But he dropped me a text recently and I said that if we do bump into each other at church, we should hang out. I did bump into him on Saturday and we hung out. It was so nice to have his company again. He is the only one in church that I've told all my little secrets to. It's nice to know that after all this time, we can still talk like we used to although we've changed so much in our own little ways. So much has happened/change but we're still siblings at heart after all.
I don't know, I'm starting to really understand what God is trying to do all this time. I thought he had forsaken me, but turns out, he just makes everything beautiful in His time. I've learnt so much these past few months. Right now, I just really need to make myself whole again, with God's help. I have absolutely no idea where to start, seeing as I've so much laid before me. I know for one, I've to make God a priority again, instead of someone else, which is going to be tough, but I believe with God's grace, I will. I've got to pull my grades up again and at the same time have the social life I'm enjoying now. I've got to learn how to be a better judge of character and trust only the right people, yet learn how to be loving and compassionate towards everyone. I've got play a little nicer, love a little more, be more optimistic and have limits. I've to swear a little lesser, speak more words of encouragement and act a little more lady-like. I've to generally be a better person now.
You. Since that day when I realised how self-centred and careless you were, I thought I was done with you. I thought that I was just so over you. But turns out I wasn't. Every little thing you do still strings my emotions along, like a little puppet. I laugh to myself everytime I realise how I get jealous when you praise someone else and not me or when you tweet heart shapes to other girls. It is so completely absolutely moronic. I've come to terms with the fact that it's completely impossible between us. I don't harbor any more hope of anything happening between us but I still do feel for you. I guess I just have to let time do its magic. For now, I guess I'll just continue to miss you until I don't anymore. God, please take these feelings away. All I want now is to love you and only you God.
Humbly fear the Lord and trust in Him