Friday, February 1, 2013 10:32:00 PM
I still miss Lala so much at times like these, even though it has
been 9 months; even though he has completely moved on happily with
someone else; even though I would never cross his mind again.
I’ve been thinking, after all the pain he had caused me, why would I miss him? I should be angry, I should be full of spite towards him. But no, I still wish he was around; I still wish I could spend the late nights out with him; I still wish I could hold his hand; I still wish he would hold me in his arms; I still wish I could say I love him so much; I still wish that we could ride his bike through the deserted streets at night, with my arms tightly wound around his waist.
Then I thought to myself, maybe I just miss having someone around; maybe I just miss the company; maybe I just miss the touch.
Maybe I don’t.
Because if I did, I could have gotten anyone else.
I’ve realised that I’ve been lying to myself along. I hate making mistakes so when I did, I tried convincing myself that it wasn’t my fault. I kept trying to make myself feel better about this utterly stupid decision I chose to make, trying to convince myself that such a douchebag wasn’t important to me when in fact - he held such an significant place in my life, even if it was only for a brief period of time. I still only want him back because I don’t want to let anyone else in for fear of betrayal and hurt again. I had completely let all my guards down with him; all my barriers broken. He just chose to do the worst with what I had to give. I may possibly never give myself off to someone else like that ever again. I fear that the damage he had caused may have been greater than I thought; deeper than I have imagined it to be. Everyday, I hope I find someone again. I look at them and I pick out all the reasons why they won’t suffice. Maybe I’m the one who can’t suffice instead. My mind says that I want someone. My heart knows better - I’m far from wanting, far from ready.
Is this what they meant when they said, “Your first will be your last”?
*Any potential suitor should read this and realise that the reason I give you the impression that I’m interested yet I push you away in the end is because I’m scared on the inside but I want to be all tough on the outside. I enjoy your company but I cannot afford any emotional investments at the moment, or even in the near future. I don’t push you away because you’re not good enough or because I just like thrill of the chase. As a matter of fact, I’m the one who is insufficient and I know what it’s like to be played.
I’ve been thinking, after all the pain he had caused me, why would I miss him? I should be angry, I should be full of spite towards him. But no, I still wish he was around; I still wish I could spend the late nights out with him; I still wish I could hold his hand; I still wish he would hold me in his arms; I still wish I could say I love him so much; I still wish that we could ride his bike through the deserted streets at night, with my arms tightly wound around his waist.
Then I thought to myself, maybe I just miss having someone around; maybe I just miss the company; maybe I just miss the touch.
Maybe I don’t.
Because if I did, I could have gotten anyone else.
I’ve realised that I’ve been lying to myself along. I hate making mistakes so when I did, I tried convincing myself that it wasn’t my fault. I kept trying to make myself feel better about this utterly stupid decision I chose to make, trying to convince myself that such a douchebag wasn’t important to me when in fact - he held such an significant place in my life, even if it was only for a brief period of time. I still only want him back because I don’t want to let anyone else in for fear of betrayal and hurt again. I had completely let all my guards down with him; all my barriers broken. He just chose to do the worst with what I had to give. I may possibly never give myself off to someone else like that ever again. I fear that the damage he had caused may have been greater than I thought; deeper than I have imagined it to be. Everyday, I hope I find someone again. I look at them and I pick out all the reasons why they won’t suffice. Maybe I’m the one who can’t suffice instead. My mind says that I want someone. My heart knows better - I’m far from wanting, far from ready.
Is this what they meant when they said, “Your first will be your last”?
*Any potential suitor should read this and realise that the reason I give you the impression that I’m interested yet I push you away in the end is because I’m scared on the inside but I want to be all tough on the outside. I enjoy your company but I cannot afford any emotional investments at the moment, or even in the near future. I don’t push you away because you’re not good enough or because I just like thrill of the chase. As a matter of fact, I’m the one who is insufficient and I know what it’s like to be played.