Friday, March 15, 2013 5:52:00 PM
Religion, is such a chore to me right now.
As I typed that sentence, an avalanche of guilt just sits heavily on my chest.
"When you sin big time against God, then you'll be cursed", she said.
Am I really cursed for life? I'm human, I make mistakes, I wish I could be perfect all the time but I can't. I wish I never made the grave mistakes I did but I can't turn back time to right my wrongs nor can I erase them. They are a part of me now, a part of who I am, for as long as I roam the face of this earth. They are what made me and as much as I'm ashamed of them, I've learnt. I've learnt that guys are jerks, people come and go. No one stays for you, everyone leaves for themselves. I've learnt that people can be so selfish no matter how selfless you are. I've learnt that some only take without giving, even though they seem to be giving but they aren't. They are selfish people, they are hoarders, they are keepers. They refuse to give because they don't see the beauty in giving at all. Selfish acts breeds selfish people. I used to be one in a million. Now, I've become one of the milllions.
Maybe if I did without religion, I wouldn't be feeling so vexed. I wouldn't be feeling so confused. I wouldn't wake up guilt-ridden everyday trying my best to do whatever to get back to wherever I was. Let's face it. I'll never be the same person before, I'll never return to where I was. Every second in life, something is changing, you're never in the same place in your mind as you were a second before. Is there no light for me at the end of the tunnel? Am I beyond repair, beyond saving? One minute I'm told, "There's always a way back no matter how far you are". The next I'm told, "Your sins are grievous, you are cursed". Then I'm told, "I am loved".
And if I did without religion, I wouldn't have to worry about every move I make around people. I wouldn't have to bother whose hand I held or did not hold. I could go out with anyone without having to worry about the consequences. Yet, that is the very part that destroys everything - doing things without worrying about consequences. I'm tired of being responsible, let me be irresponsible for a few days. But wait, what happened the last time I threw away all inhibitions and responsibilities? Disaster.
I've seen so many come and go to know that you're not going to be around for long as well. Everyone should just stay away from me and spare both of us the pain of losing another. Ever since things took a turn for the worst, I should've known that nothing good would ever stay, ever again. It just makes me want to cry knowing that I'm not going to have your wonderful company for long.
To quote a wonderful, beautiful, creative, fantastic, magical friend,
"Who am I? What am I? I am nothing."
As I typed that sentence, an avalanche of guilt just sits heavily on my chest.
"When you sin big time against God, then you'll be cursed", she said.
Am I really cursed for life? I'm human, I make mistakes, I wish I could be perfect all the time but I can't. I wish I never made the grave mistakes I did but I can't turn back time to right my wrongs nor can I erase them. They are a part of me now, a part of who I am, for as long as I roam the face of this earth. They are what made me and as much as I'm ashamed of them, I've learnt. I've learnt that guys are jerks, people come and go. No one stays for you, everyone leaves for themselves. I've learnt that people can be so selfish no matter how selfless you are. I've learnt that some only take without giving, even though they seem to be giving but they aren't. They are selfish people, they are hoarders, they are keepers. They refuse to give because they don't see the beauty in giving at all. Selfish acts breeds selfish people. I used to be one in a million. Now, I've become one of the milllions.
Maybe if I did without religion, I wouldn't be feeling so vexed. I wouldn't be feeling so confused. I wouldn't wake up guilt-ridden everyday trying my best to do whatever to get back to wherever I was. Let's face it. I'll never be the same person before, I'll never return to where I was. Every second in life, something is changing, you're never in the same place in your mind as you were a second before. Is there no light for me at the end of the tunnel? Am I beyond repair, beyond saving? One minute I'm told, "There's always a way back no matter how far you are". The next I'm told, "Your sins are grievous, you are cursed". Then I'm told, "I am loved".
And if I did without religion, I wouldn't have to worry about every move I make around people. I wouldn't have to bother whose hand I held or did not hold. I could go out with anyone without having to worry about the consequences. Yet, that is the very part that destroys everything - doing things without worrying about consequences. I'm tired of being responsible, let me be irresponsible for a few days. But wait, what happened the last time I threw away all inhibitions and responsibilities? Disaster.
I've seen so many come and go to know that you're not going to be around for long as well. Everyone should just stay away from me and spare both of us the pain of losing another. Ever since things took a turn for the worst, I should've known that nothing good would ever stay, ever again. It just makes me want to cry knowing that I'm not going to have your wonderful company for long.
To quote a wonderful, beautiful, creative, fantastic, magical friend,
"Who am I? What am I? I am nothing."